


Keep Holding On

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [193]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28350402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: James is panicking, and he thinks-- for some reason-- that Sirius won't notice.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [193]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	Keep Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: “Hi! James hides from everyone something that causes him pain (injury/event/illness), and behaves as if nothing is happening. but Sirius notices that something is wrong with James, and starts a conversation with him, in which James denies everything to the last, but then breaks down. Sirius takes care of him. Thank you!”

James had never thought of himself as weak before, and even now, he knew that it wasn't really true. This wasn't how strength was measured, which meant that it couldn't be indicative of his personal strength _or_ weakness. He knew that. 

The problem was that he couldn't figure out how to get his head on straight after it all. He was too aware of the fact that other people had been through worse shite than him and been perfectly fine. It felt ridiculous that he'd still be thinking about it when it had been weeks. _Weeks_ , and he wasn't the one that had been hurt. Remus had had a flare up, and it had been bad enough that he'd had to be in hospital for more than a couple of days. And it had freaked James out. He saw him laying in that bed, looking utterly helpless, and he'd panicked. He thought it would go away, but it hadn't yet. 

He was going to give it more time. Seeing a friend hurt from an illness you _knew_ they had wasn't a very good reason to panic in the first place, and he wasn't about to make it all about him by bringing it up. 

* * *

James had thought he'd been hiding it pretty well. No one had said anything to him. On reflection though, it made sense that Sirius noticed. He sodding noticed everything about James, whether he liked it or not. Of course, Sirius was also a sneaky bastard, so he didn't bring it up until they were in bed one night, with Sirius curled up behind him and an arm thrown over his waist. 

"What's been bothering you?" 

"Nothing." 

"C'mon, I know something's wrong. I know you. I know when what it means when you get like this." 

"I haven't been like anything," James denied. Just because Sirius had called him on it didn't mean that he was going to admit to anything. 

"Oh, are we lying to each other now?" Sirius asked, but there was no recrimination in his voice. "Sweetheart, you've definitely been off lately. I just wish you'd talk to me about it." 

"I haven't been off," James said, because if Sirius already knew he was lying, there was no need to stop now. Besides, it was stupid and he knew that it was stupid, even as he knew that there was no harm in confessing what was bothering him. It was... embarrassing. He didn't want to deal with that. Sirius would tell him that it wasn't something he had to worry about, but James already knew that; he didn't need to be told about it to know that it was rubbish. "I'm fine. See? We're talking. We've talked about it, and we're good." 

Sirius sighed, then pressed a kiss behind his ear. "You're not fine. Babbling about it isn't going to make it true. There's clearly something wrong." 

"I don't babble, and there's nothing wrong." 

"You _do_ babble, and there _is_ something wrong." 

"For fuck's sake, stop grilling me about it. What does it matter?" 

"It matters because it's eating at you." 

"Nothing's eat at me," James grumbled. 

Sirius kissed behind his ear again. Generally speaking, he wasn't good at waiting. However, he could also outwait James based on pure stubbornness when he wanted. James refusing to talk to him about what was bothering him was enough to kick him into being stubborn; he was going to outlast him if it killed him. 

Unfortunately, James was thinking the same things, but about himself. He could be as stubborn as Sirius if he wanted to-- and this was certainly a situation where he wanted to. But Sirius had picked his time well. Now that James was thinking about it, it was all that he could think about. He wasn't going to be able to get to sleep like this. It kept turning over in his head, and from the way Sirius shifted occasionally, James knew that he wasn't asleep either. 

He started to cry. He didn't mean to, and it definitely surprised him when he realized what was happening. It's not like he even felt that depressed about it. It had gotten to him, sure, but he didn't think it would feel like _this_. 

Sirius held him the whole time. Kissed him on the head every now and then and reminded James with a gentle whisper that he was there for him. 

When James had finished sobbing and felt like he could talk again-- albeit stuffily-- he said, "We're all going to die. We're going to have to- _somebody's_ gonna have to watch the rest of us die. Who's going to be the one to watch all of that? I don't want it to be me. I don't want to see Remus die and have to plan a funeral, and I couldn't do that with you; I _couldn't_." 

"Yeah," Sirius said softly. "It's scary to think about. Hopefully, it'll be a while before we have to worry about it actually happening." 

"But there's no guarantee of that." 

"...I can guarantee that I love you," Sirius said. "And that I always will. That's the best I can offer you right now, sweetheart. We're... human. We'll die some day. So will our mates. Do I like to think about it? No, of course not. But eventually it'll happen, and I think that we'll be able to handle it." 

"I don't think I'll be able to," James whispered. He wasn't strong enough to deal with that. 

"It's not happening today, and it won't happen tomorrow. Isn't that enough, for now? Take it one day at a time." 

"You're rubbish at this comforting thing," James said, but it was another lie. He felt better. There was no way of escaping something that was inevitable, but it didn't feel like he was going to crush under the weight of it anymore. Not right now, at least. 

"Liar," Sirius said. James rolled over to hug him-- and maybe bury his face in Sirius's chest-- and caught the smile on his face. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


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